


i need someone, i need a new me

by probsnothawkeye



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, M/M, No beta we kayak like Tim, Self-Worth Issues, but i really just wanted him to take care of martin, fat character written by fat author, it's more likely than you think, jon is probably a bit ooc, me? projecting onto martin?, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:20:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27675949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/probsnothawkeye/pseuds/probsnothawkeye
Summary: A dark cloud was settling over Martin’s head as he tried desperately to force himself out of the warmth of his bed, causing him to sigh once more. It was going to be one ofthosedays again, wasn’t it?
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 6
Kudos: 75





	i need someone, i need a new me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello!  
> I have been having A WeekTM and it wasn't great for me in terms of like my metal health and self-worth and stuff so I decided "Welp, it's time to project onto Martin!"  
> This entire thing is based on my week and my personal experiences with self-worth issues and some bad brain days, so I'm sorry if it's not wholly accurate to actual mental health struggles. I'm not personally diagnosed with anything but this is just how I experience things.  
> Also this is generally how I feel about myself and my body and that's not great so if negative self-talk is something that might be triggering for you I would advice caution with this. Again, this is just personal experience and me projecting onto Martin.  
> Also also Jon is definitely ooc because I just wanted him to be soft and take care of Martin because I would've loved having someone to take care of and comfort me this week, so I'm projecting.  
> Also also also his is canon divergent. I wanted Sasha to be alive so she is. And instead of season 2 building up to all of ThatTM, they find out about the NotThem early on and are trying to figure out how to stop it. Because I wanted this to be set earlier on but not season 1.  
> Lastly, title is taken from "Clean Slated State" by The Altogether, it's one of my favorite songs and something about this line just felt right for the title of this fic  
> Okay I think that's everything, hope you enjoy!

It was cold.

That was the first thing Martin noticed as he slowly drifted back into consciousness: a hint of cold air on his face and his one arm outside of the blankets. Sighing to himself, he pulled his arm under, cocooning himself in the warm embrace of his duvet, trying to rationalize the need to get out of bed.

Cold wasn’t something that usually bothered Martin. He often joked that the one perk of being fat was the protection from the cold, an insulating layer keeping back the biting chill. This always got a smile or laugh from the people around him, though he couldn’t help but feel like grimacing despite making the comment himself. It felt wrong to draw attention to his build, but it felt worse to have people fussing over his lack of layers in the winter.

Right now, though, Martin was content to stay curled up in his warm blanket pocket and ignore the biting chill coming in from the open window. He had left it open overnight without thinking, too tired to recall it was open in the first place. Work had been demanding, and would continue to be demanding once Martin got out of bed, but for now, he could take a few moments to remain huddled in his cocoon, with no monsters to pull him from it.

He knew he would have to get up, though. The Institute called and people would be angry if Martin were late, especially if the reason for his tardiness was his inability to remove himself from his bed. A dark cloud was settling over Martin’s head as he tried desperately to force himself out of the warmth of his bed, causing him to sigh once more. It was going to be one of  _ those _ days again, wasn’t it?

Martin was no stranger to the occasional bad day, the days where getting out of bed felt like a punishment and everything he did just felt  _ wrong _ somehow. The days where he knew what he needed to do but actually achieving these things felt impossible and he sank further and further into himself as he managed to do none of what he needed. Usually these days hit him on the weekend, where he could actually afford to deal with the lack of movement or work but it was Friday which meant he needed to get to the Institute. Hopefully he would be able to shake the feeling on the way there.

Feeling resolved to fight this, Martin got out of bed and set about getting ready for the day. He put the kettle on after he got out of the bathroom and went to pick out his outfit for the day, pausing only when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. He tried to move past it quickly, but that dark cloud swirled around him and frozen him in place, looking at his reflection. Martin had never been a particularly skinny person. Even as a child, he always was more chubby than anyone else in his class. As he grew older, he got used to referring himself as fat, though the word always left a tinge of bitterness in his mouth. Most days he could ignore his body, knowing that it was just the vessel that carried all of the good things about him within it, but today…

Today Martin couldn’t help but notice how his stomach pushed out or how large his thighs were. He poked at himself silently, feeling the squish of his body beneath his fingers. It wasn’t very attractive, was it?  _ No one is going to want you when you look like this… _ Martin grimaced, trying to wipe the thought from his mind, but it was already there, feeding into the dark cloud above him. The click of the kettle turning off was enough to snap him from this, at least momentarily, allowing him to continue looking for something to wear to work. 

Of course the dark cloud in his mind would choose today to note that all of his clothing was rather embarrassing, wasn’t it? Graphic t-shirts next to boring jumpers next to wrinkled dress shirts next to frumpy looking trousers. How could Martin ever think he could present himself professionally with a wardrobe like this? Everyone at the Institute must be laughing at him behind his back, stupid, chubby Martin who doesn’t even know how to dress himself.  _ How could anyone- _

Martin’s phone vibrating on his nightstand shakes him back into reality. His eyes catch the clock, and relief floods his system as he realizes he still has plenty of time before work. Looking down at his phone, he realizes it’s just the second alarm he set, just in case he slept through the first one. As he dismisses the alarm, his eyes caught on his lockscreen. It was a picture of him and Jon from their first work function as a couple earlier this month. Tim had insisted upon taking pictures of the two of them, claiming that he had been waiting for this moment “Since we  _ started _ in the Archives, Martin!” The memory made Martin smile, pushing the cloud back a little bit.

It hardly felt real sometimes that Jon was dating  _ Martin  _ of all people. Jon, who had been so frustrated with Martin, who  _ hated _ Martin when they started working together, was now Martin’s boyfriend of just over a month. He clearly saw something in Martin even though Martin couldn’t possibly fathom what it was. Unless he was just humoring him, of course, and this was all just an elaborate prank and-

Martin clicked his phone off, feeling the cloud settle back over top. Eye flicking over to the clock, he saw he was getting uncomfortably close to the time he had to leave by. He pulled on a shirt and a jumper before picking up a pair of tan trousers and pulling those on as well. He steeped his tea as he put on his shoes, adding a little honey to it before taking off for the train.

He made it to the institute with no complications, though the anxiety of leaving so close to his self-set deadline made it impossible to shake the clouds from his head as he stood on the train. He even managed to make it in before anyone else, save for Jon who always came in far too early and stayed far too late. After setting his things down, Martin set about making Jon a cup of tea, knocking gently on the door to his office once it was done. 

“Come in,” he heard Jon call, a level of tiredness clear in his voice. He seemed to brighten some as he saw Martin push open the door. “Martin! Good morning,” Jon said, getting up to greet Martin as Martin set down his tea. He was about to tell Jon not to bother with getting up, but found Jon’s arms wrapped around his ( _ too soft, too big _ ) stomach. “I missed you.”

“I just saw you yesterday,” Martin said with a small smile, arms wrapping tightly around Jon as Jon attempted to bury his face further into Martin’s chest. Martin could feel the soft fat of his stomach and chest shifting as Jon embraced him, causing Martin to stiffen. If Jon noticed, he didn’t comment on it. Jon simply hummed contentedly, face still pressed into Martin’s chest. Martin took stock of Jon, noticing that he was still in the same clothes as yesterday. “Jon, did you not go home?”

Jon pulled back, looking at Martin a bit sheepishly. “I… I was researching and, well, I think I’ve made some good progress on what that thing that took Sasha was and-”

“Did you sleep at all?” Martin asked, concern flooding his body, forcing the clouds in his mind away. 

“I promise I did, I just didn’t make it home. It was midnight by the time I realized that everyone else had left the Institute and I didn’t want to pay for a cab so I just slept on the cot.”

Jon had been working incredibly hard lately, especially after they found Sasha again. Something had taken her, replaced her, during the events with Jane Prentiss, but Jon managed to find her trapped inside something in Artefact Storage, breaking her out and bringing her back. The tensions that had been mounting had eased drastically since then, but Jon was still a bit on edge, looking into any information on what that monster who took their friend was.  _ All that work and you’re still forcing him to make time for you. Can’t even be of any use, with your false CV and lack of any basic skills. How can anyone stand it? Worthless- _

“Martin?” Jon asked, reaching up and gently cupping Martin’s face. “Are you alright?” Martin nodded stiffly, still trying to come back into focus. Jon seemed to notice this, a small frown forming on his face. Finally, Jon nodded, removing his hand from Martin’s face and grabbing his hand instead. “Right. We’re leaving.”

“What?” Martin was suddenly very aware of himself again as Jon tugged Martin from the office. “Jon, where are we going?”

“I’m going to tell Elias that we will be taking a sick day and then we’re going back to my flat,” Jon said, guiding Martin towards the lift confidently before pausing as his words caught up to him. “If that’s alright with you, obviously, I don’t want to pressure you into-”

“You’re willingly going to take a day off?” Martin asked, hardly believing what he was hearing. The fact that Jon settled on this decision after Martin lost himself in the dark clouds above his head was not lost on him. “But why?”

Jon smiled softly, if not a bit sadly, at Martin. “You clearly need a day and it’s my responsibility as your boyfriend to make sure you have one.”

“But-”

“Please, Martin. Let me take care of you?” Jon looked so soft in that moment, concern mixed with affection and something else that Martin couldn’t place were etched into Jon’s features. Martin just nodded and allowed himself to be guided into the lift and then, after Jon spoke to Elias, out of the Institute and back to Jon’s flat. 

Martin had only been in Jon’s flat once before, after their first date. Jon had talked about a documentary he had seen, asking Martin if he would want to watch it with him sometime. Sometime turned out to be later that evening as neither of them really wanted to leave the other. It had been nice, a memory Martin cherished fondly. Everything between them was still so new, so fragile, that Martin couldn’t help but fear the breaking point. But right now Jon had his fingers threaded in Martin’s, pulling him gently up towards his flat and guiding him to the couch once they were inside.

“I should have some more comfortable clothes that will fit you, just give me one second,” Jon said as he sat Martin down on his couch, already wandering off before Martin could protest. Dark thoughts about his size filled his mind once more, and he was tempted to call after Jon and tell him not to bother. Jon was slender and small, the kind of person Martin often wished he looked like. There was no way Jon would have anything that would fit Martin and his too round, too squishy stomach. A dark feeling was rising up in Martin, making him want to flee. He had just stood up and was turning to leave when Jon came back. “Martin? Is everything okay?”

In Jon’s hands was a large, soft looking t-shirt with the words “What the Ghost” on them in a fun, almost spooky looking font. He also held a pair of tracksuit bottoms with the same logo on them, though this time much smaller. Martin could see the confusion and hurt on Jon’s face to find Martin looking as though he were leaving. He opened his mouth, but found that he had nothing to say, no way to defend himself. The weight of the cloud crashed down on him, and Martin just let himself crumble.

He was vaguely aware of Jon racing towards him, the barely there feeling of Jon’s hands on his face as Jon tried to get his attention, but everything was just too much. He let himself be pulled back towards Jon’s bed, moving mechanically as Jon gave him the clothes and asked him to change. Martin could see Jon turn around, and while if he were in a better state of mind he would know it was for privacy, he couldn’t help but feel that Jon didn’t want to look at him.  _ He doesn’t want to see your disgusting fleshy body _ . Even still, Martin couldn’t bring himself to speak, just putting the soft clothes that Jon had given him on (they fit very comfortably, to Martin’s shock) and tapping Jon gently on the shoulder when he was done. Jon turned back around, looking at Martin with that same level of concern, before guiding Martin to his bed and tucking him in. As Jon turned to leave again, Martin felt enough himself to reach out and grab his hand. “Stay?”

Jon nodded, settling down on top of the blanket next to Martin as he drifted off to sleep.

***

Martin awoke in a blanket cocoon for the second time that day feeling much more like himself. The cold air on his face did nothing to stop him from snuggling further into the blanket, relishing in the warmth and the familiar smell of Jon.

_ Wait, Jon? _

The memory of what happened before his nap snapped back into place, causing Martin to pale.  _ Oh you’ve done it now, Martin Blackwood. Gone and scared off Jon just because you couldn't hold yourself together for one not-great day. It wasn’t even that bad comparatively and still you fucked it all up and- _

“Martin?” Jon called softly from the door. “I heard some… distressed grumbling. Are you awake?”

Martin sighed, knowing he had been caught. “I’m awake, Jon.”

Jon pushed open the door with a plate and cup in his hands. He held them out to Martin, “I brought you a sandwich and some tea? I’m… I’ll be honest, I’m not necessarily the best with this kind of thing, but I figured you’re always trying to get me to eat so perhaps food would help?”

The want to eat because Jon had made him food and was trying to take care of him warred with the want to never eat again because he was already big enough and he didn’t need Jon thinking of him as some kind of gluttonous monster. He must have made another distressed noise, as Jon simply put the sandwich down on the dresser and held out the cup of tea instead. “How about the tea, then?”

Martin nodded gratefully and took the tea, patting the space next to him in the hopes that Jon would sit down again. Jon obliged, sitting next to Martin and putting a comforting hand on top of the blanket over his thigh. Martin tried to resist the urge to squirm at Jon’s touch but failed, causing Jon to pull his hand back. “I’m sorry,” they both blurt out at the same time. Silence hangs over them for a moment before Martin starts to laugh, Jon following suit.

After their laughter killed the tension, Jon reached for Martin’s hand, Martin readily threading their fingers together once again. “Do you want to talk about it?” Jon asked softly, tracing his thumb up and down Martin’s.

“It would probably be good to,” Martin said before taking a sip from his tea. It was made just how he liked it, which was shocking since Martin didn’t think Jon knew how he liked his tea. He looked at Jon who smiled shyly, as if he knew he had surprised Martin. Martin wanted to comment on it, but figured now wasn’t the best time. “I… Do you ever wake up and just know that it isn’t going to be a good day?”

“I suppose so,” Jon said, still rubbing Martin’s thumb with his own. “Was today one of those days?”

Martin nodded. “I don’t know what it was, but something inside me told me that I should just stay in bed. And once I got out of bed, everything just started piling up for no reason. Small things that shouldn’t- that don’t matter, not in the grand scheme of things. My stomach looked too big, my thighs too squishy, my clothing too unprofessional, my boyfriend could do better-”

“Martin-”

“The thoughts just kept piling up and up and up, clouding around me. And then you hugged me and I could feel how my fat moved in response to where you applied pressure and I thought about how hard you’ve been working and something inside me just broke,” Martin said, words rushing out of his mouth with little control. “And then you took the day off and tried to find clothes that would fit me and I couldn’t stop thinking that I wasn’t useful enough or small enough or just  _ enough _ for you and-” Martin stopped, gasping for breath as a few tears started forming in his eyes. “And it was all just too much.”

Jon slowly reached out and took the cup of tea from Martin’s hands and set it down on the nightstand. Once the cup was gone, Jon grabbed both of Martin’s hands, looking at Martin with a layer of sadness and understanding that Martin wasn’t prepared for. “Martin… You’re not…. It’s not about being enough, but even if it were you’d be more than enough, Martin. If anything, I worry I’m not enough for you. You’re just… unendingly good. You care so deeply about people and about making everyone comfortable and  _ happy _ , and it hurts me to know that you don’t see that in yourself. Yes, you’re larger than me but that’s not a bad thing. You’re not bad for how you look or dress, those aren’t the things that matter. What matters is that you’re  _ you _ and that you always choose to do the things that you think are right and that make you who you are,” Jon was looking at Martin so tenderly that Martin couldn’t help but cry. “Days like today can be rough, I know. But whenever they arise, I will be here to help you through. And that’s not a hardship, Martin. It’s an act of love.”

Martin launches himself at Jon, wrapping his boyfriend tightly in his arms. “I love you,” he whispers as he feels Jon’s fingers start to card through his hair. “Thank you, Jon.”

“I love you too, Martin,” Jon whispered back, squeezing Martin tightly. “More than you could ever know.”

They stayed like that for a moment, wrapped in each other’s embrace, before eventually sliding down the bed and laying there, cuddled together in a pocket of warm blankets and fondness. The clouds and cold had drifted away from Martin, hovering near but not crushing him down. He allowed himself to hold and to be held, resolving to deal with the clouds another day.

This time with Jon’s help.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated but never required. I've got two more fics in the works at the moment, just working on them a little bit at a time between working on my assignments for college, so if you enjoyed this I will hopefully have more stuff for you soon! And you can always check me out on [tumblr!](https://ireallyneedabetterusername.tumblr.com/) I'm always open to prompts, especially now that winter break is approaching and I will (hopefully) have more time to write.


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